Friday, 25 May 2012

Campaign to have a.m.k. institutionalized

Brendan has finally thought of a solution.

Hello friends and readers,

He's always talking to that
wooden doll in the centre.
I've been frustrated with my collaborator here lately, for failing to look at the Nonsense-blog drafts I send to him, letting my outdated Girls rant fester on the front page, three episodes after it was originally written. And as I sit here, on a.m.k.'s furniture, having been entrusted with a house key and an internet password while he's out camping all weekend, it becomes clearer in my mind that a.m.k. needs to be reformed.

I hope to be supported by his loved ones and any medical professionals reading this. It has become clear to me that a.m.k., as he chooses to call himself, is not fit, in his present state, for independent living. The best thing we can do to help him is to let him know that he has a choice, and that a stay at a mental incarceration facility might be needed to curb the criminal insanity from which he suffers.

Many of you will see this as an extreme suggestion or simply as a gesture of mockery, but I contend that you've chosen to overlook A's symptoms of madness in the hopes that his condition will "naturally improve over time." Here is a list of suspicious behaviours displayed by A in the past few weeks:

1. I think he took his laptop camping.

I haven't yet searched his home, but he definitely mentioned that he was going to take his laptop camping with him. I don't think he's even taking the power cables.

2. He made a "balls" joke the last time we played tennis.

No adult of sound mind would have made that joke.

Only a maniac would live like this.
3. He keeps his Ke$ha CDs in the jewel cases.

This is kind of a weird one, but when a.m.k. moved houses at the start of May, I ended up lifting shelves full of his CDs, all in the original cases. He might even have an external storage drive somewhere that he just doesn't use.

4. He listens to a children's radio station.

Other than right now, the last few times I've been over to his house, some combination of Our Lady Peace, Silversun Pickups, and Young the Giant have been playing out of his radio, loud enough for neighbours to hear. He has then instructed me to "make [myself] comfortable" as though nothing were out of order.

5. He throws garbage on his lawn.

Flowers, pizza boxes,
upholstered furniture ...
Walking out of his home the other day, a.m.k. took amusement in an orange-juice carton on his front lawn, declaring, "I wonder if that's mine," and mentioning that he'd left an empty orange juice container on his balcony. On inspecting the balcony today, I found multiple pizza boxes un-anchored and ready to be wind-blown into the street.

(I also keep pizza boxes on my own balcony, but the balcony at my apartment is indoors, so this arrangement is much safer.)

Please write to your city councillor requesting that a.m.k. be institutionalized, and if you see him yourself, please insist that he get to safety and get the help he needs before he can return to society. If you wish to share any firsthand stories of his unstable conduct, please send them in to

Brendan knows he's doing the right thing, but he can't help but fear that a.m.k. will be released into his custody.