Wednesday, 14 March 2012

How to eat at McDonald's

Brendan M. is an otherwise-reasonable human being.

Eating at McDonald's is a shameful and unproductive thing to do, but lots of people still do it. Here are some tricks I've picked up to help make the experience comfortable.


Schedule around the high schoolers. Lunchtime and 4PM are risky times to go to a McDonald's.

Switch up which McDonald's you go to. You don't want the staff to recognize you at any single franchise.

Don't go on weekend nights. McDonald's will be crowded and understaffed on those nights. You'll have a bad time, and you'll be a burden to the staff.

Don't get soft drinks. You can get cheap soft drinks anywhere.

Sit by the window. You'd rather look out at the world than look in at the rest of the McDonald's.

Use the value menu. Everyone should know this by now. If you aren't a cheapskate, then why are you at McDonald's?

The real reason for going to McDonald's is probably that I'm too young to really appreciate my own mortality. But here's I justify to myself any trip to McDonald's.


1. "I'm running low on paper McDonald's cups to use at home."

2. "Nothing else is open 3:00 AM."

3. "I have half an hour until my ride shows up."

4. "I have to dump all these pennies and nickels into the children's fund box."

5. "At least I walked all this way to the McDonald's."

Brendan goes for regular walks and has a kitchen full of spinach and oatmeal. He may or may not have ingested McDonald's food while writing these lists.

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